A Few Small Bruises
by Sparky176
Summary: Originally a little one-shot, now extended. Here is the version where our favorite bad boy gets the girl. The idea originally from Maria Mena’s A Few Small Bruises. Kinda dark. Takes place after Sectionals. Ch6 Finally up!
1. Chapter 1

**This had started out as a little one-shot, but thanks to the review I extended it. There is one version where Rachel ends up with the other guy (aka A Few Small Bruises Nathan Style), but here is the version where our favorite bad boy gets the girl. The first chapter is the same as is the first part of the second chapter, but then it switches to what will be the Puck version. The idea for this was originally from Maria Mena's **_**A Few Small Bruises**_**. Kinda dark. Takes place after Sectionals.**

**Sorry for the delay in getting it up. It has been so crazy at work I've had to bring some stuff home to work on. Since when is there homework for work? I thought I was through with that when I was through with school!**

_

* * *

Out here on the ledge  
I'm not far away from stepping off  
I've finally picked out my cloud  
It's the one over there  
Surrounded by all that air  
_

* * *

Rachel thought that after their win at Sectionals things would get better. So, she almost screwed it up when she told Finn who the true baby daddy was, but she killed with that ballad so that had to more than make up for it. But here it was, two weeks had passed and if anything, things were worse than before. There was a constant tension at the practices. Finn stayed over to one side of the room and wouldn't really talk to anyone, leaving the minute that practice was done. Inside of the choir room everyone more or less treated Rachel as a part of the team, but outside, they treated her as if she didn't exist, and that was on a good day. It wasn't like it was before. She was still getting her daily slushy facials, pornographic pictures of her were on all the walls in the bathroom, and her house was being egged every Thursday night. But she used to have some sort of semblance of an acquaintance with the other Glee club members; now, she didn't even have that.

Mr. Schue had them practicing double what they used to in an attempt to try to get them ready for the upcoming Regionals and it was beginning to take its toll on Rachel. She was having trouble fitting in her dance classes, voice lessons, and keeping her straight A's with her advanced schedule. Add in the fact that she had been trying to dig up as much as she could on their competition (okay so it may have been a little closer to stalking), and her plate was way beyond being full. She hated to resort to it, but it was the only thing left that she knew would help her through, so she took a little trip to the drug store to pick up some "Vitamin D". She hated the slightly jittery feeling that she sometimes got, but she was able to get through the week without feeling like she was on the edge of exhaustion. She was slightly paranoid about being caught, so she would rotate the various drug stores that she would go to. It was on her trip to the Walgreen's one town over that she ran into him. Just as she reached out a hand to grab two packages she heard him.

"Getting a cold? Maybe you should start bundling up when you go on your little spying expeditions. Hell, you could go all out and get a nice black trench coat. And if you promise to come and visit me with nothing on underneath it, I'll promise to give up all the goods, on Vocal Adrenaline that is."

"Hello Nathan. I feel a little congestion coming on and wanted to nip it in the bud before it grows into an unsightly head cold. With Regionals coming up I can't chance illness, especially since McKinley will be beating Vocal Adrenaline. I'd hate to fell like crap during our victory party."

"So you'd actually be invited to the victory party? As I hear it your school and team don't think too highly of you. Shocked? Come on Rachel, you honestly didn't think that you were the only one checking out the competition now did you? After all, it was pretty much your ballad that won you guys Sectionals. Not like you had that much competition-juvies and deaf kids, now there's some serious rivalry." Rachel felt her face heat under his criticism. "Now if you want to see how real winners should be treated, I can show you. That is, if you aren't too sick to come out tonight?" He turned and sauntered off. He was about to turn at the end of the isle when Rachel finally found her voice.

"Where?"

"I'll text you the address later."

"Wait. Let me give you my number."

"No need to. Like I said, you weren't the only one checking up on the competition."

_

* * *

You reached out your hand  
And said I understand  
So why not come down  
_

* * *

As Rachel stepped from her car she adjusted her dress. She still held a bit of a grudge against Kurt for the stunt he tried to pull with slutting her up for Finn, but at least he talked her into buying this killer black dress. She teamed it with a pair of red Jimmy Choos her dads had brought home from one of their trips to New York. As she walked across the street she could feel the bass from the house start to enter her body. She looked around for a familiar face and wasn't surprised when she didn't see one since she was a town over. She made her way into the kitchen where the keg was to grab a drink-she really hated the way that beer tasted, but right now she needed a bit of liquid courage to loosen her up. As she grabbed for a red cup she could feel him step up behind her.

"Glad that you're feeling better. Although I was kind of hoping that you would show up in a trench coat tonight."

"Hate to disappoint Nathan, but the trench coat is at the cleaners so you'll just have to settle for second best."

"Oh, believe me, there is nothing settling about that dress. Come on, let's dance." The thought of dancing with him completely sober absolutely freaked her out. The first time she had heard him sing she felt that thrill go through her body, and each time she has seen him, talked to him, or even thought about him since then she wants to shiver as her blood speeds through her veins.

"Wait, I was just about to grab a drink." Nathan turned around and grabbed a shot off the island and handed in to her. She threw it back and handed him the empty glass as she felt her body begin to warm. He smiled down at her before grabbing her hand and leading her into the next room. She had no clue what song was playing, she couldn't concentrate enough to actually listen to it. She just let the beat invade her body as she leaned back against his chest. She felt his hands on her hips, his thumbs running circle on her hips before he bent down to kiss her shoulder. She gasped and let her head fall to his shoulder to give him more room to explore. As he made his way up to her earlobe he gave her a gentle nibble and smiled when he hear her groan. Using his hands on her hips, he turned her around to face him before bending down to seize her lips in a searing kiss.

When he broke off the kiss she whimpered at the loss of contact. He bent down to whisper in her ear.

"Want to go up to my room?"

"This is your house."

"Yeah."

"Then let's go." Rachel had no clue what made her agree. She had only had one shot, and despite the fact that she was a total lightweight, she wasn't that big of a lightweight to blame this decision on the alcohol. As Nathan closed his door behind them he could sense her indecision.

"We can just go back out to the party if you want. I actually didn't invite you here for this. Totally hoped for it, but was not expecting it. So what do you want?"

Rachel took a deep breath before looking into his eyes. "I want you to make me forget." He gently moved the hair away from her face before capturing her lips in a toe-curling kiss. He reached around her back to find the zipper of her dress. As he found it he broke the kiss to look into her eyes as he slowly pulled the zipper down, watching for any sign that she didn't want this. He let out an appreciative growl as her dress fell down and he caught sight of her in nothing but her red and black lingerie and Jimmy Choos.

Rachel used the break to unbutton his shirt and drag it off of him. She let her hands graze down his chest to grab the bottom of his white T-shirt and dragged if up and off. She explored his chest with her hands and lips before he tilted her chin up to kiss her. He let his hands wander up his back where he unclasped her bra. She dropped her arms to let it fall off before reaching for the buttons on his jeans. As they both continued stripping one another down, Nathan walked Rachel back until the back of her knees hit the bed and they both tumbled down.

* * *

Rachel awoke the next morning wrapped in warmth. It took her a minute to fully wake up and realize where exactly she was. She glanced over her shoulder to see Nathan still sleeping and thanked God for small miracles-she wasn't sure if she was quite ready for the morning after. She gently slipped out of bed and pulled her bra and panties back on. As she looked around his room for her dress she heard him moving in the bed.

"Come back to bed."

"I can't, I have to go. Practice starts in less than an hour."

"I can't believe they are making you guys practice on Saturdays. Our coach is completely psycho, but he gives us the weekend off."

"Mr. Schue's stepped it up trying to get us ready to kill you guys."

"And you really think that's going to happen?"

"Of course. Haven't you heard of McKinley's secret weapon? A little slice of perfection that goes by the name of Rachel Berry."

"I've even tasted it." Rachel found her dress right next to his jeans. She pulled up her dress before tossing him his pants. He pulled his pants on as he got out of bed and grabbed her shoe that had slipped under the bed. Before handing her the shoe he bent down and kissed her.

"Stalk me later?" Rachel grabbed her shoe from him and placed her hand on his shoulder to balance as she pulled it on.

"Just as soon as I get my trench coat back from the cleaners." Rachel smiled up at him and he bent down to capture her lips in a searing kiss before she finally took a step back.

"I really have to go. I'm going to be late as it is."

Nathan walked Rachel out to her car before kissing her one last time. Driving back to Lima, Rachel opened up her glove compartment to pull out a box of decongestants. She was going to need all the help that she could get to get through the day.

* * *

As Rachel pulled in ten minutes late she noticed that every other vehicle of the Glee club members were already parked in the lot, except for Mr. Schue. She let out a breath at the little break before getting out of her car and speed walking towards the choir room. Just as she got to the door she could hear the Cheerios talking. She can't tell if it's Quinn or Santana, they're both big enough bitches to actually say out loud that she's just a waste of skin and that if it weren't for her singing, everyone here would be better off without Man Hands.

She drops her hand back down to her side and runs to the nearest bathroom were she losses whatever is left in her stomach from last night. She washes out her mouth and contemplates just going home and screwing all of them. As she steps out of the bathroom she sees Mr. Schue walking down the hall and all thoughts of her fleeing are just hopeful desires. She follows him into the room and takes a seat as far from the Cheerios as she can get, just going through the motions to get through the practice. As soon as Mr. Schue released them she grabbed her bag and hightailed it out of there, putting as much distance between her and everyone else as possible.

As soon as she got home she raced up the stairs, stripping off her skirt and sweater vest as she made her way into her bathroom. She cranked the shower on as hot as it could go before stepping into the shower and sticking her face into the spray. She didn't feel any pain from the scalding water, just as she didn't feel any of the tears streaming down her face. She lifted her shampoo bottle and grabbed the razor blade she kept under it. She lifted her leg up on to the bench and sliced the steel once, twice, three times high up on her thigh before she finally felt the pressure on her chest begin to ease up enough to take a slight breath. She had managed to go the past four days without needing to cut, but hearing them talk about her earlier pushed her a little further than she could handle. She took a few more slices before setting the blade back down and rinsing off the blood. The sobs began to rack her body and she fell down to the floor, curling up into a ball as she let it all out. She was so sick of it she just wanted it to all go away.

_

* * *

Well except for a few small bruises, cuts, and scars well I'm fine  
Except for a few small bruises, cuts, and scars well I'm fine  
_

* * *

With only a week left until Regionals, Mr. Schue stepped up practices even more, causing Rachel to up her little "Vitamin D" dosage even more. She began cutting religiously every night in an attempt to deal with everything she was feeling from being around the other members so much more. But none of it was enough. Vocal Adrenaline took first and New Directions took third. Although Rachel wasn't completely saddened at the end of the day-her and Nathan shared plenty of lust-filled looks throughout the day. It was on the bus ride home that she received the text from him telling her to come over to his house again tonight for another party. She thought about not showing up, after all why would a member of New Directions go to a Vocal Adrenaline victory party. But then she realized that she wasn't really a member of New Directions anyways, especially now that the season was over.

Which is why she again found herself walking into a party at Nathan's house, this time actually being greeted by a few of the people there. When she walked into the living room she found Nathan sitting in an overstuffed chair. He reached out his hand for her and pulled her down into his lap. She relaxed against his chest as he circled her with his arms and placed a kiss where her neck and shoulder meet. After everyone had left the party, Nathan took Rachel's hand and led her to his room.

As they were laying in his bed he dragged his hands up her bare legs and over her hips, noticing the slight wince that she had made. A few of the cuts she had made that afternoon were a little raw, but she was hoping that he would never notice anything if she just made sure that the lights were off in his room. But he was more perceptive than she gave him credit for. He reached over to his bedside table to turn on a light.

"What the hell?"

"It's nothing, just cut myself shaving this week. Just stay away from my hip on that side."

"Rachel, this isn't just a cut from shaving. Why?"

"It's just…sometimes I need…I can't really explain it. Don't worry, I'm fine. It's nothing."

"Rachel, this isn't nothing and it's not fine." He looked into her face to see tears silently cascading down her cheeks. "Hey, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you cry. I just hate the fact that you feel that you need to do this."

"Sometimes I just can't handle it. And I know how weak and stupid that sounds, but I don't know how to put it any other way. It's just that everything adds up and I feel like there is so much pressure in my chest that I can't even breathe and the only way to lessen the pain is to cut. And I know how crazy that may sound, but that's just the way that I feel."

"It doesn't have to be that way. When you feel that pressure find me, call me, talk to me. Just please, stop hurting yourself. You are too good for this."

"Then how come I always feel if I'm never good enough?"

"You are more than good enough." He wrapped his arms around her as she laid her head on his chest. They fell asleep wrapped up in one another, and for the first time in a long time, Rachel slept soundly.

_  


* * *

_

Thank you for asking  
I'm so glad we had this moment here  
I know they think I'm crazy  
But everything I am is what I was taught to be


	2. Chapter 2

You reached out your hand

_And said I understand_

_So why not come down  
_

* * *

In an attempt to please Nathan, Rachel had stopped cutting after that night. Instead when she made her trips to the drug store she picked up bottles of ipecac. After she discovered that she didn't have a gag reflex, she researched to find another way to make herself sick. Since then she had used the ipecac a few times previously, but it didn't give her the same release that the cutting did, but now that she no longer had that she fell back onto this kind of bulimia. Every morning and evening she would take ipecac after she ate. She was able to skip eating at lunch by going into the library and studying until the period was over-which was two-fold: she got her homework done early and she skipped a meal.

Now that she didn't have Glee practice after school, she picked up extra dance classes at the studio to improve her technique and burn a few extra calories. She was starting to notice that she had to be a little more careful when it came to taking the decongestants, if she took to many she was overcome with dizziness and think she felt heart palpitations. Although if she were honest, she would admit that she was getting what could only be described as a high by hiding her new little tick (that was what she liked to call it-it wasn't a disorder or a problem or anything negative, just a little tick). The fact that she had the ability to hide that she was either skipping meals and or just throwing them up-it made her feel superior. Although she couldn't think about it too much because a pesky little thought would worm it's way up-where they not noticing because she really was that good at hiding it, or was it because no one cared enough to look closely enough? In her gut she had a sinking suspicion that it was the latter one, and that just made her want to cut until the pain ebbed away. But seeing as that was never going to happen, she turned to running to let of some steam. Since her fathers where gone for about twenty days out of every month and she had developed some sort of case of insomnia she began running in the middle of the nights.

There was something about the pitch black darkness and the fact that she never saw anyone else out that was just like a balm for her soul. She used to hate the feeling of loneliness, but in the past few weeks she's craved it. When there is no one else around there is no one to hurt her or make her feel inferior.

* * *

Nathan was leaving for Nationals in one week, so someone from Carmel was throwing him and the rest of Vocal Adrenaline a Good Luck/Going Away party Friday night. Nathan asked Rachel to go with him, which was why she spent the afternoon walking through the mall trying to find the perfect dress and something new from Victoria's Secret since Nathan had also invited her back to his house. As she stepped from her car and walked up the driveway to Nathan's house she smoothed down the red dress she had gotten that she knew would blow his mind tonight. When he opened the door the appreciation was apparent in his eyes, but it was the little growl that she heard when she walked past him into the house that she was waiting for. The front of the dress was hot. But the back, or what there was of the back, was killer.

She had actually had fun at the two previous parties she had been to at Nathan's house, but tonight she wanted to be anywhere but at a party. She kept thinking about how high most alcohol is in calories and how she would rather be running back in Lima. When she walked into the kitchen to grab a bottle of water she ran into Lori, a student from Carmel who was not only a member of Vocal Adrenaline, but was also in one of her dance classes. They talked for a minute before Rachel walked back to Nathan.

As they laid in his bed hours later she rested her head against his chest while he dragged his hand up and down her spine.

"I haven't had much of a chance to talk to you this week. How have you been?"

"Yeah, yeah. Just rub it in how you still have show choir. I've been good though. Started some new dance classes. Better watch out next year because we are going to cream you and it will be me going to Nationals." Nathan didn't say anything and Rachel basked in what she thought was a little victory for a full ten seconds before he burst it.

"Rachel, I'm not going to be there next year. I graduate in a few months and am going to NYU."

"Oh." Rachel couldn't hide the disappointment that she felt. Lately it seemed like Nathan was the only thing that kept her going, and the thought of him leaving scared the crap out of her.

"It's not like I'm leaving tomorrow, we still have almost six months until I leave."

"What happens then? Are we done?"

"I don't know. I'm not going to lie to you, I've tried to do the whole long distance thing before and it is so much harder than you could imagine."

"So then, that's it. We're done in six months when you leave?"

"I don't know. I'm just saying that it is a possibility that we won't be able to keep this relationship going then, but I will always be there for you Rachel." Rachel felt the familiar tension creep into her chest and her fingers itched for a blade to ease it. But she held onto the fact that he said that it was just a possibility, which meant that it was also a possibility that they would stay together, right? But how much could she bank on the latter. With the luck she's been having lately it's more likely that he'll move away to bigger and better and forget about her. What would she do then? She couldn't contemplate it any longer, not if she didn't have a blade to help her think things through, so she turned her head into his chest and relished the feeling as his arm wrapped around her just a little tighter.

_

* * *

Well except for a few small bruises, cuts, and scars well I'm fine  
Except for a few small bruises, cuts, and scars well I'm fine  
_

* * *

Vocal Adrenaline had taken third at Nationals, and of course, there was yet another party for them. Rachel had debated on whether she would go or not. A part of her felt like she needed to wring out every possible moment that she could spend with him before he left, but the other part of her felt like they should just end it now-what was the point of drawing it out any longer when it was just going to end soon anyways. In the end it was the text that she received from Lori that made up her mind-they were starting to become good friends, hell, she actually treated her like she was human, something her teammates could hardly handle. Rachel didn't feel like dressing up for it though, so she just stuck to her favorite pair of jeans, a hot pick polo and her Pumas, but she at least found the energy to do her hair and make-up. She was meeting Nathan at the party since she wouldn't be able to stay the night at his house since her fathers would be coming back to town tomorrow. She was slightly nervous about going in to a party alone where she didn't know the person throwing it, but she didn't need to be. By now the Carmel people knew who she was, after all there was no way that a girl could be seeing the lead of Vocal Adrenaline without all of Carmel knowing it. Unlike McKinley she wasn't greeted with eggs or slushies, but actually with "Hey Rachel"'s (it shocked the hell out of her that they knew her name!) and the occasional head nod. By the time she made her way over to where Nathan was she was glad that she came, it wasn't that often that she felt welcomed at a social event. It was something that she could get used to.

**

* * *

Thanks for reading, as always I would **_**LOVE**_** to know what you thought. And for those of you who read my Near to You or Wild Horses, I have the next chapters part way done and they should be up this weekend.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

**

* * *

Thanks to those of you who have reviewed-hope this answers up a few of your questions…**

**-This is a Puck and Rachel fic-I promise-just stick with me**

**-This version will definitely be longer than the Nathan version-I'm thinking like 2-3x the length**

**FYI: the songs that will be sung in this chapter are **_**All That Jazz**_** from Chicago, **_**Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)**_** by Greenday, a mash-up of **_**Bleeding Love**_** and **_**Mercy**_** by Leona Lewis and Duffy (if you want to hear it you can find it on YouTube-it's the Calmucho Mashup), and **_**I Want You To Want Me**_** which has been performed by tons, but I was listening to the version by KSM for this. Didn't want to bore you to death with all of the songs, so I just used portions of the lyrics.**

* * *

Despite the slurpy facial she received after second period, no one could put a damper on her day-as of a little after 2:00 this afternoon she was officially on spring break-one entire week away from McKinley, she was going to be in heaven. Add to it that after dance Lori and she went to the mall to pick up some swimsuits for the break before meeting Nathan and Jason, Lori's boyfriend, at the movies. She was currently nestled under Nathan's arm watching-well she didn't actually know what they were watching. It's been three weeks since Nathan told her that he would be going to New York in the fall, and every second that she has spent with him in those three weeks she has been trying to soak up everything about him to the extent that she is completely oblivious to her surroundings. After the movie ended the four decided that they wanted to grab some Starbucks a couple of miles down the road. Nathan and Rachel sat in her car behind Lori and Jason in Jason's Jeep at a red light. As the light turned green, both cars began to enter the intersection when a red SUV ran the red light and T-boned Jason's Jeep, spinning it into Rachel's car.

The next thing that Rachel knew they were surrounded by sirens and flashing lights.

"Nathan." She felt him undoing her seatbelt and looked down to see blood on his hands.

"Rachel! Are you okay? Can you feels your legs? Your arms?"

"Blood. There's blood on your hands. Where are you hurt?"

"I'm not. Rachel, it's your blood. You have a cut by your hairline."

"Lori and Jason?"

The next few hours passed in a blur for Rachel. Her car hadn't been damaged too badly and was towed to a nearby body shop. Jason's jeep had been totaled with the majority of the damage on the passenger side near where Lori had been seated. Rachel had never been more thankful in her life that they had all survived, although Lori was taken to the hospital because her right leg had been injured in the crash. The three of them were sitting in the waiting room while Lori was taken for her X-rays and various tests, silently contemplating the events that had occurred tonight and the consequences that they could have almost had. Thankfully, Lori ended up only having some damage to her leg. As soon as she was stabilized and in her room, the other three went to check on her, only to find her freaking out.

"But I can't stay here. I have to perform tomorrow night at our Invitational. Coach Kellerman and Dakota will kill me if I'm not there. It will throw off the choreography, harmonies, and what about my solo? If I don't perform there is no way that I'll be able to be a part of Vocal Adrenaline next year."

"I'm sure it won't be that bad." Rachel attempted to alleviate the stress that Lori was feeling while trying to figure out what the hell the nurses where giving the girl. Weren't pain killers suppose to help relax you? "It's not like this is your fault."

"It doesn't matter whose fault it is. Number one rule, show up for all performances and rehearsals. Well okay, that more like rule number three because one is no carbs and two is ----, but you know what I mean. If we are to miss a rehearsal, or God forbid a show, we must have someone to stand in who not only knows every nuance of every routine, but must be able to execute it flawlessly. Not to mention the fact you all know that this performance is specifically for Kellerman and Dakota to show off their team that they took to Nationals. They even took out an ad in the State's newspaper. A full page!"

Jason stepped in trying to relax his girlfriend. "Babe, you need to relax. Screw Kellerman and Dakota. There is no way that they can hold it against you." It was pretty clear that Lori wasn't listening to a thing that her boyfriend was saying because even a blind man could see the wheels turning in her head.

"I've got it! It's a win-win. Rachel you have to take my place. I know you can do it. This way I won't get into any trouble and you can perform. You've seen the performance, plus I have a tape of it. And Nathan, you'll help her right? You guys have to do this for me. Please." Rachel looked across the hospital bed to where Nathan was standing. Truth be told, she probably would have done anything for Lori right now. Nathan gave her a nod before answering Lori.

"We'll do it. But only if you promise that you won't worry about it anymore. Just relax, get some sleep, and get better."

After a few moments Lori finally nodded her head in agreement. Nathan and Rachel left as Jason grabbed one of the chairs in Lori's room and dragged it closer to her bed.

* * *

Just short of twenty-four hours later and Rachel found herself at Carmel, standing out in the hall near the backstage. She was dressed in black capris, a halter top in Carmel's signature light blue and black, and a pair of black heels. Nathan walked up to her, dressed and ready to go. All the guys were wearing black pants, suspenders, and a thin tie, with a light blue shirt, and she thought she had never seen him look better (well maybe when he wasn't wearing anything but a smile, but it's not exactly like he could perform that way, and there is no way that she will let another female to see him like that!). She placed her hand on his chest before pressing a light kiss on his lips not wanting to mess up her lipstick.

"You ready to do this?"

"I was born ready."  
"Then let's go. We're on in five minutes." They met the rest of the team on the side of the stage where they all did their little pre-performance warm ups.

Rachel stepped into her place in the center of the highest riser behind all of the girls, ready for the show to begin. She could feel the butterflies fluttering in her stomach as she heard the beginning of the music being played. After a few seconds the curtain began to slowly part and the lights on the side of the stage slowly went up as the band continued to play. Rachel took a couple more deep breaths as she heard the emcee finished announcing them.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome Carmel High's Vocal Adrenaline."

As the music continued to play the girls slowly separated, leaving a path straight down the center. Rachel walked down the risers keeping her eyes down until the first line, then keeping her chin down and just raising her eyes to the audience.

_C'mon babe_

_Why don't we paint the town?_

_And All that Jazz_

Rachel fully raised her head and stared at the Exit signs in the back of the auditorium-despite the tons of practice her and Nathan had pushed in, she was still nervous as hell. She could feel as two of the girls took their place beside her. The three walked forward as they continued.

_I'm gonna rouge my knees_

_And roll my stockings down._

_And all that jazz_

The rest of the girls stepped off of the risers, into their positions, and joined in on the song as the boys came on stage. The further they got into the song and the more intricate the dance work became, the more Rachel felt sure of herself. By the time they got to the end of the song she was completely confident and belting her heart out for the last section.

_No, I'm no one's wife_

_But, oh I love my life_

_And all that jazz!_

_That jazz!_

The stage lights went out and Rachel took a relaxing breath as she moved into her position for the next song. She could see the shadows of the people in the crowd stand up as they gave their ovation. The guitar began playing the start of the next song, the ballad of their set. As Nathan had been going over the songs for tonight Rachel was kinda glad that New Directions never made it to Nationals-she knew that there was no way that their group would be able to pull off four songs.

_Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road_

_Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go_

_So make the best of this test, and don't ask why_

_It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time_

Whereas _All That Jazz_ had been primarily performed by the females, their ballad was heavily male. Rachel loved hearing Nathan sing, especially this song. A few weeks ago he had told her that he and a few of the other Vocal Adrenaline seniors are going to be singing it at graduation. Of course that slightly tainted the song for her because when she thought about him graduating she ultimately thought of him leaving for New York, but she had made a promise to herself that she was going to be living in the moment when it came to Nathan so she brushed it off and let his voice wash over her.

_It's something unpredictable,_

_But in the end it's right._

_I hope you had the time of your life._

As the audience gave yet another standing ovation, the beginning beats of _Mercy_ could be heard. As Rachel looked out into the crowd she caught a glance of a red and white letterman jacket. She traced her way down the row and saw them, all of them. Artie, Tina, Kurt, Mercedes, Santana, Quinn, Brittany, Matt, Puck, Mike, and Finn. Sitting about halfway back, right in the middle. And if their looks were anything to go by, they were not happy at all. She couldn't figure out if they weren't happy with how talented Vocal Adrenaline was, or they weren't happy with her specifically. She figured it was a combination of them both, which completely pissed her off. They treated her like crap-they had no right to be pissed at her for performing with Vocal Adrenaline.

_Closed off from love_

_I didn't need the pain_

_Once or twice was enough_

_And it was all in vain_

_Time starts to pass_

_Before you know it you're frozen_

Rachel hadn't needed too much help from Nathan when it came to learning this routine. It was very similar to the routine to _Mercy_ she had seen them practice when she and a few of the other New Directions members came to talk to Dakota. That had only been about six months ago, but to Rachel it feels like years have passed since then. It boggles her mind that in six months you can go from being a part of nothing, to being a part of small something, trying to be a part of another something, back to being part of the small something that keeps growing, and then to, okay she decided to just drop the whole quick rewind of the last six months because there was nothing quick about and it was kind of depressing doing the whole looking back thing. But anyway that you sliced it, the events in the last few months of her life were rather miserable.

_Mercy_

_Begging you for mercy_

_You got me begging_

_Down on my knees_

_I said mercy_

_Begging you for mercy_

_You got me begging._

After yet another standing ovation, her smile grew as she heard the drums pick up the beat. Rachel absolutely loved this routine. When it finally set in that she was going to be taking Lori's spot for tonight's performance she was so excited that she got to do this routine, which made her feel a little guilty given the reason behind her stepping in. Vocal Adrenaline's choreographer may be slightly deranged, but he did an awesome job with this routine, packing it full of lifts and turns and even a little tumbling.

_Hey!_

_Hey!_

_I want you to want me_

_I need you to need me_

_I'd love you to love me_

_I'm begging you to beg me_

_I want you to want me_

_I need you to need me_

_I'm begging you to beg me_

The entire first section was all partner work that reminded Rachel of West Coast Swing Dancing. Despite her years of dancing, she could not get the turns right when they first started practicing the dance last night, or was it early this morning? She and Nathan would end up all tangled up in one another, which was kind of funny at first, but given their deadline, got old pretty fast. Rachel could tell from the video of them performing the routine at Nationals that the complicated turn section was always a crowd pleaser, and today was no different, they were loving it.

_Shine up your old brown shoes_

_Put on a brand new shirt_

_Get home early from work_

_If you say that you love me_

Rachel held her breath at this section of the routine. Thanks to years of dance she had no problem doing a triple pirouette into an aerial, but doing it in black heels always made her a little nervous. But she nailed it and she couldn't help but glance over to where McKinley was sitting to see the Cheerios and other girls with their mouths hanging open and the guys with their eyebrows raised to nearly their hairlines. Sucks for them, they never knew how good she really was. She's betting right about now they are kicking themselves for being so horrible to her right now. And if it was even possible, Rachel's smile gets just a little bigger and her voice a little louder.

_Didn't I, didn't I, didn't I_

_See you crying?_

_Oh, didn't I, didn't I, didn't I_

_See you crying?_

_Feelin' all alone without a friend_

_You know you feel like dyin'_

_Oh, didn't I, didn't I, didn't I_

_See you crying?_

Nathan caught the glance Rachel sent towards New Directions. He was so proud of his girl. As much as it had always been his dream to go to New York, he was actually starting to wish that he could spend some more time here, with her. He knew it was going to hurt like hell for both of them when it was time for him to go. But that was a thing about life, sometime he hurt so hard you could barely breathe.

_I want you to want me_

_I said_

_I want you to want me_

_I want you to want me_

_I said_

_I want you_

**

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I'm sure that those if you who read the Nathan version, recognized that little performance. I loved the thought of it so much I just had to use it again.**

**I have the next chapter in my head, I just have to actually sit down and get it out. Work has been crazy lately so sorry in advance If there is a big delay before I get it up, but I will try my best.**

**Please let me know what you thought! **


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

**Thanks for all those reviews-you guys are awesome! 15, couldn't believe there are that many for this fic after just 3 chapters. Here is the next chapter, and little warning, it's quite angsty.**

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Rachel ran a hand down the black dress she was wearing and took one last look in the mirror. She hadn't bothered with much makeup for today, she didn't think that it would last that long so what was the point? As she heard Nathan ring the doorbell she put on her black pumps and grabbed her purse. When she opened the door and saw him standing there she wanted to just let the tears pour down. But she just took a deep breath and greeted him with a sad smile. She shut and locked the door before following him to his car, dreading making it through the day more than she has ever dreaded a single thing in her sixteen years.

As they pulled in to the parking lot of the church Rachel let her eyes roam. She recognized faces from the various Carmel parties she had gone to, but she was surprised at how many of the faces she didn't recognize. How could someone who has become to mean so much in her life be connected to these other people and Rachel had no idea. She felt Nathan slip his hand into hers as they walked up the aisle. She squeezed his hand as she felt the tears start a slow descent down her cheeks. As the various people spoke eloquent words about the amazing girl that was now gone, Rachel contemplated why she wasn't giving a speech today. They may not have known each other for a long time, but her and Lori had formed a special bond, which was why Lori's mother had asked Rachel if she would like to say a few words at the funeral. Rachel declined. At the time she wasn't sure the exact reason she had, but she just felt it down to her bones that she shouldn't, couldn't. Last night she wrote a fourteen page letter to Lori. She told her what an amazing person she was, how she was so thankful that they had become friends, how much she was going to miss her, and pissed off she was, cursing her for leaving. She placed the letter inside the casket, hoping that in some sort of symbolic way the releasing of the letter would somehow release Rachel of everything that she was feeling. It didn't.

As they stood outside on the sunny March afternoon, Rachel thought back on the events of the previous week as she watched the polished coffin slowly lowering. After performing with Vocal Adrenaline she had been on such a high. That was what she was born to do, and it felt so amazing doing it. Early the next morning she and Nathan went to the hospital. Lori had left explicit instructions that they were to get the taping of the performance (one of the A/V people at Carmel also recorded the performances of Vocal Adrenaline) and bring it to her so that she could see how amazing she was in it (_amazing_, that was the word she used and it made Rachel feel, well, amazing-no one except for her dads or Nathan talked about her that way-like they meant more than just her voice was amazing, but that actually she, Rachel Berry was amazing). Armed with her laptop and the DVD of the performance, they greeted a surprisingly happy Lori. After watching the performance and just hanging out for a while, Nathan and Rachel were kicked out so that they could prep Lori for her surgery. Her leg had been broken in the accident and a few of her ligaments were torn. Nothing to serious, but it was going to require a minor surgery.

After running out to grab some lunch, Nathan and Rachel made their way to the OR waiting room to sit with Jason and her parents during the surgery. Everything went picture perfect. Lori came out of recovery and was transported to her room. Nearly three hours later a blood clot that had formed in her leg broke off and blocked the flow to her lungs. She suffered a pulmonary embolism and was pronounced dead at 6:07 on Sunday night.

The next week had been a blur for Rachel. She didn't know what day was what. She went from crying her eyes out to being so numb that she couldn't even cry, couldn't even think, could barely even breath, back to bawling her eyes out. It was a vicious cycle that she was just beginning to control. Unfortunately, what was supposed to be a week spent lying around the pool and just relaxing in typical Spring Break fashion, was just a nightmare.

By Monday morning Rachel still wasn't quite functioning and really didn't want to go to school, but her fathers were coming back from their business meetings in Arizona today so she couldn't stay at home. She threw on a pair of jeans and hoodie before slinging her backpack over her shoulder and jumping into her Mini Cooper just as the rain began pouring down. Just as she stepped out of her car the first bell rang. She walked into her history class and took her assigned seat in the back, for once thankful that she was a straight A student so her teachers always stuck her in the back corner. She ran through the motions, pulled out her notebook and favorite pen (it was gold and had her name and a star engraved along the side), took notes as her teacher droned on about the history of Egypt for nearly an hour. As she was switching books at her locker between periods she could hear Kurt and Mercedes talking a few lockers away.

"You heard what happened last weekend right? Vocal Adrenaline is now one member short."

"It's karma. "

"Karma?"

"Yeah. You let someone like Rachel Berry on your team and it will fall apart. Look how we almost lost Sectionals because of her"

Rachel debated. She could curl up in a ball and cry, walk over there and berate them in a long tirade that would probably go way over both of their heads, or she could go over there and just pummel them. She took a second to think it over but she realized that she didn't have enough energy to do any of them. She settled for slamming her locker shut loudly, sending them both death glares that would rival Quinn's, and stalking off down the hall. She contemplated just getting in her car and driving home, but with her father's coming back today that wasn't an option. Instead she headed for the auditorium. She walked onto the stage but she didn't feel the usual solace she felt standing up there. She climbed the stairs and sat up in the heavens. She stared down at the lights, and the curtains, and the stage. Things looked so different from up here. It was like from up here all of the secrets to the stage were revealed, stripping away all of the magic and leaving just ordinary behind. She wonders if it's like what Lori was seeing from Heaven. She curled up into a ball with her back against the wall and let the tears tumble down, still raw from her loss.

**

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Sorry if that was short and choppy or sloppy, but I really wanted to get this out and up ASAP before I forgot what I wanted to write. Next chapter, I plan to have Puck show up.**

**And now for a much happier note…went to get some gas at QT yesterday and went in to grab a drink. Nearly laughed out loud when I saw the name of one of the Slushy thingys: Puckerberry. So close!!! And how awesome would it be to have a Slushy that was named Puckelberry! That would be epic!!!**

**And for an even longer AN, if any of you read either my Wild Horses or Near To You, I haven't abandoned them, I've just been a bit more inspired with this fic lately, but I promise to update the others soon!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

**

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Thanks for all those reviews and adds, here is the next chapter. I know I keep promising to update my other stories, but I just got a puppy two weeks ago, it's crazy at work, and I am trying to study for the CPA exam, needless to say my life is no longer my own. But after catching part of the Grammy's it sparked an idea and I wanted to move this story along. Hope you enjoy!!!**

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As usual, Rachel's fathers were only in town for two days before leaving out of state again, to Florida this time, and she was relieved that she could drop the front that she was coping. She was fully immersed in her "fuck it" mode and she didn't care about a thing. It has been five days that she's stayed cocooned in her house just lying on the floor of her bedroom with the curtains pulled tightly shut. She really didn't want to move, but her greasy hair was really getting to her and she really needed to shave. She pulled herself up and made her way into her bathroom, stripping of her sweats on the way.

She turned the shower on as hot as it would go before stepping under the needle piercing spray. She lathered up her hair and grabbed her razor to shave. Her foot slipped off the bench and she nicked the back of her knee. As she watched the crimson blood drip down onto the clean white tile before being washed down the drain. Her fingers itched for her blade. Automatically she lifted her shampoo bottle to grab the razor before remembering that she had gotten rid of it when she promised Nathan she would quit cutting. She had trashed all of the blades she had kept hidden in the bathroom, her bedroom, her backpack, her purse. She thought of anything she could use instead and remembered the X-Acto knife she had in her desk. She jumped out of the shower and ran into her room, soaking the carpet on her way. She began frantically throwing things out of her top drawer before her hand grasped the knife.

She made her way back into shower and placed her foot back up on the bench. She placed the blade near her right hip and pressed it into her flesh. The blade was fairly old and not very sharp so she had to add more pressure before it would pierce through. As she dragged it down and saw the blood start to trickle out she let out the sob that had been trapped in her chest for the past week.

She brought her hand back up to cut again but her hand was shaking too hard to make the cut. The knife clattered to the floor and she collapsed next to the bench as she let it all out. It wasn't until she noticed the goosebumps covering her flesh that she realized how cold the water had turned. She stood up and rinsed her hair before getting out of the shower and wrapping herself up in a few towels. She made her way back to her room and curled up into a ball in the middle of her bed, pulling all of her covers over her head.

* * *

An hour later she heard the phone ring. She grabbed it off of her bedside table to check the caller ID. It was Nathan, and if her count was right it was his third call of the day. They had talked once since the funeral, and even then Rachel couldn't seem to say much. Now she only answers the phone if it's one of her father's to check up on her. The only other person who called her was Nathan, and his calls had been dwindling lately. She placed the phone back on the table before curling back up and falling into a restless sleep.

It wasn't a phone call to wake her this time, or even the reoccurring nightmare she had been having of the car crash. This time it was the pounding at her front door. She stood up out of bed and realized that she still only had a towel on, she grabbed her robe and pulled it tightly around her before making her way slowly down the stairs. As she opened the door she saw Nathan standing there in jeans a rumpled blue shirt.

"What are you doing here?"

"I don't know Rach. My girlfriend keeps herself sequestered in her house, refusing my calls, why would I possibly be here?"

"I'm fine Nathan-I just needed some time to think things through."

Nathan leaned against the door frame and studied Rachel for a minute before saying anything. "I'm worried about you."

Rachel realized that this wasn't going to be a short little visit so she stepped back so that he could make his way inside.

"We had this psychologist come to Carmel and it was mandatory for all members of Vocal Adrenaline to talk to her. One of the things she suggested to me was this program or group or whatever about writing music-she thought it would be a good way for me to cope since music is such a big part of my life." Nathan started to pace around her living room while she just leaned against the wall feeling weak. "I thought it was so stupid at first, but I went anyways thinking that if I went it would look like I was fine and they wouldn't make me talk to the shrink again. And it was totally ridiculous, but there were a few people there who were pretty cool. We stayed after and just messed around on the piano and a couple of guitars. I think you should come with me. We're meeting tonight and I think you need to get out of the house and I think this might actually be good for you. I'll pick you up and drive you. Please."

The last thing that Rachel wanted to do was go to some stupid song writing group. Who the fuck did they think they were? Who did Nathan think he was asking her to go there? All she wanted was to be left alone.

"If I go with you, will you stop being worried about me?"

"Yes. Come tonight and I will back off of Mother-Hen-ing you. 4:30?"

"I'll be ready."

"Bring your acoustic guitar." Rachel nodded her head as Nathan made his way over to her. He bent down and placed a light kiss on her brow. "Take care of yourself. Please." Rachel merely nodded her head before Nathan turned and walked out of the house. As he pulled the door shut behind him Rachel slid down the wall and pulled her knees up to her chest. She wanted to cry, to just sob it all out, but she couldn't. It was almost like she had cried everything she had inside of her earlier in the shower and all she could do was take gasping breaths.

At 4:30 she was ready to go. She had on her jeans and a black hoodie with her hair pulled back in a ponytail. She hadn't bothered much with make-up, just a little powder to cover any redness from earlier. She picked up her guitar case when she saw Nathan pull up outside. She locked the door behind her and made her way to his car, sending him a small smile.

She was right, she hated just about every minute of it. Hanging out at the end wasn't so bad, but for once in her life singing wasn't making Rachel Berry feel any better. She felt like a fake. Felt like singing was so trivial. She felt like she was no longer connected to the music. On the drive home she managed to muster up a few smiles for Nathan so that he wouldn't feel like she was hopeless.

When she made her way back to her room she stripped off her clothes and fell into bed for more hours of restless sleep. Finally at around three in the morning she got up and pulled on some workout clothes, her running shoes, and her iPod before taking a run. She let the rhythmic pounding of her feet on the pavement and the soft lyrics lull her soul. After five miles her body felt exhausted so she stopped at the park and took a seat on one of the benches. She let her head drop back so she could stare up at the stars. She had never really been a philosophical person-not that she was shallow or anything, she was smart and felt deeply-but she never really contemplated things. The events of the past few months have changed that. They've thrown everything that she has ever held true on its head, making her now question…well it pretty much is making her question everything.

She finally dragged her body off the bench and walked the remaining three miles back to her house. She dragged herself up to her bathroom to take a shower and get ready for school-she would actually go this week, or at least try. When she let her thoughts wonder this morning when she was sitting on the bench she thought about what Lori would be thinking of her. She would probably tell her to get off her ass and live, she wasn't the one who died-although she probably would have said it in a much more eloquent way and used one of the many quotes she was always saying, but the gist was the same. So for Lori she would give it a chance today.

* * *

When she walked into the halls of McKinley there was whispering going on all around her, but she didn't feel like it was about her. As she opened her locker she noticed an afro slide next to her locker that could only belong to one person. She turned to walk away but he stepped in front of her blocking her way.

"So, now that Babygate has officially ended what are your plans?"

"Move Jacob." Rachel tried to step around him but he only moved to block her again.

"Come one Rachel. I'll even keep if off the blog, but admit it, you're glad that it's over now. This way Finn has nothing holding him back. Although I will add, I still have my hat in the ring for you." Rachel was getting sick of trying to step around him so she finally stopped and looked up at him.

"What are you even talking about?"

"The miscarriage."

"What? Quinn miscarried. When?"

"Last Thursday. It was all over the McKinley gossip circle."

"Well apparently I'm out of that circle. Now move, I need to get to class." Rachel stepped around him and let that new piece of information sink in. A few weeks ago she would have given anything to know that there was nothing standing between her and Finn (obviously she didn't wish for a miscarriage, but something to end babygate), but now she didn't really care. And it wasn't because she had Nathan, but Finn was off her radar now. She felt for them, Finn, Quinn, and Puck, for their loss. But she couldn't dwell on it, her own scars will still too raw.

She made it to her first three periods before she got called into Miss Pillsbury's office. Rachel had never been more grateful for the years of acting classes she has had, because otherwise there would have been no way she could have lied so expertly to those huge brown eyes. After repeatedly being asked if she was okay, the words simply fell out… "I've already talked to a psychologist"… "My father's were suppose to call to excuse me for the past week-we went to Florida to visit my aunt-they thought it would help me through this process"… "Even started going to meetings for people who write their own music-psychologist thought it would also help with the coping"… She saw the look of relief pass Miss Pillsbury's face and knew that she was home free. She was able to make it to the rest of her classes, only hiding during lunch in the library-apparently news of the miscarriage was enough to pull Rachel Berry off of everyone's radar.

By the time she made it home she was emotionally exhausted from pretending all day. She made her way up to her room to change into some sweats before walking to the kitchen to grab some water. On her way back to her room she stopped at the medicine cabinet and grabbed the box of decongestants-she was going to need some help to get through the rest of the day. She popped some of them before pulling out her math book and working on getting caught up. She worked until nearly one in the morning when she went for her run before crashing into another restless sleep, creating what was to become her nightly routine for next two weeks. It wasn't until then that she finally felt herself breaking down, physically, emotionally, and mentally.

**

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I know, I know, there was no Puck in here and it was kinda short. I totally meant for there to be some sort of Puckelberry in here, but this story has kind of taken on a life of its own and I'm just along for the ride. But I promise, promise, promise, this will be a Puckelberry story. And I think I will try to update more often with shorter chapters. But please let me know what you think.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Thanks again for the reviews and so sorry for the delay in updating this!!! But finally, here is an update. I know that I had said previously that the Grammy's sparked an idea for me and I had originally planned on using Glitter in the Air for this chapter, but instead I'm using Already Gone by Kelly Clarkson because I think this fits what I wanted so perfectly, but I may use Glitter in a later chapter. Enough from me, here's your update. Hope someone is still reading this thing!!!**

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**Chapter 6**

Rachel positioned her acoustic guitar against her leg before taking a deep breath and starting the song. Her heart was pounding. It had been nearly two months since she had performed in front of a crowd, but she wouldn't allow herself to dwell too much on that performance. Taking Lori's spot for the performance reminded her of some wounds that were still a little raw. Not like there was that much of an audience, there were maybe only fifteen people in the coffee house anyway, and three of them were other performers here for the open mic night. A part of her was hoping that Nathan would show up, but deep down she knew that that wasn't even a possibility.

_Remember all the things we wanted_

_Now all our memories, they're haunted_

_We were always meant to say goodbye_

_Even with our fists held high_

_It never would've worked out right_

_We were never meant for do or die_

Just one week ago it had been what had become a routine Sunday for her. Wake up early, if she had even managed to fall asleep the night before, go for a long run, and take a shower. She was cutting again, with her razor blade safely tucked under her shampoo bottle, and other places around her room and purse. Nathan and she had shared nothing more than a few kisses since they lost Lori so it wasn't like anyone would notice anyways. No one's noticed that Rachel Berry has been falling apart for months and months now. After her shower she would allow herself a half a cup of fat free cottage cheese (she knew dairy was not good for her vocal chords, but she was fed up with raw vegetables) and then finish any homework for the weekend. She would finally spend three hours practicing on the piano, guitar, and her vocals. She would then get ready and meet Nathan and the rest of the "song writers". She had somehow embraced the routine, enjoying the order that it brought to her life. But she knew deep down that a little piece of the order was going to be missing that night.

_I didn't want us to burn out_

_I didn't come here to hurt you_

_Now I can't stop_

With only one month of school left Rachel wasn't sure if she could make it that far. Faking it was damn exhausting. Faking it in front of Nathan was even more draining. More than that, it made her feel so guilty. Here was this amazing guy, and he deserved so much more than the broken girl she had become. She was just too screwed up for him, which was why she had decided to let him go. He had a chance of finding something good. She wasn't going to stand in his way.

_I want you to know that it doesn't matter_

_Where we take this road_

_Someone's gotta go_

_And I want you to know_

_You couldn't have loved me better_

_But I want you to move on_

_So I'm already gone._

It didn't go the way she had envisioned it. They were sitting at a red light one block from her house when she turned to face him. Somehow the words had just tumbled out of her mouth, 'I think we should stop seeing each other.' It wasn't the speech that she had so painstakingly written and practiced. She tried to rewind and explain it better, but she just kept tripping over the words. She saw the pain and disbelief in his eyes, but she knew that he understood-things weren't what they should be between them. When he pulled up in her driveway he kissed away a tear that was falling down her cheek before telling her Goodbye and good luck. She had managed to give him a watery smile before walking into her house. She leaned against the door and let the tears fall as she heard him drive away.

_Looking at you makes it harder_

_But I know that you'll find another_

_That doesn't always want to make you cry_

_Started with a perfect kiss_

_Then we could feel the poison set in_

_Perfect couldn't keep this love alive_

_You know that I love you so_

_I love you enough to let you go_

For the first three days she had been continually checking her phone. She even called her cell phone from the house phone just to make sure that it was fine. She knew that she had ending things between them, but she didn't think that he would cut off all communication with her. She missed him. To try to distract herself she came up with a melody to the lyrics she had jotted down when she had thought about ending it with Nathan. She had a notebook that she kept hidden under her bed. It contained her favorite lyrics, quotes, and poems, and recently she had begun to write her own lyrics in it. Turns out she didn't quite hate the little music writing group anymore-well she liked the writing, but most of the group she still found a little lame. It only took one night to get it right.

_I want you to know that it doesn't matter_

_Where we take this road_

_Someone's gotta go_

_And I want you to know_

_You couldn't have loved me better_

_But I want you to move on_

_So I'm already gone_

Which lead her to open mic night at the coffeehouse. She had heard about it through the music writers group and while she first thought why would someone sing to just a handful of people, when you could reach an exponentially larger amount via Myspace, she knew that this required a small and intimate audience-and preferable an audience that wasn't made up of snot-nosed bitches who got amusement out of tearing her down.

_I'm already gone, already gone_

_You can't make it feel right_

_When you know that it's wrong_

_I'm already gone, already gone_

_There's no moving on_

_So I'm already gone_

The breakup was harder than she thought. She had been going on for a few months knowing that it would be ending once Nathan moved to New York and she thought that that would ease the pain a bit, but it was still so raw that she thought she wasn't going to make it through. Nathan had turned into a sort of anchor for her in this crazy world, and without him she was afraid that she was just going to drift away.

_Remember all the things we wanted_

_Now all our memories, they're haunted_

_We were always meant to say goodbye_

She finally had gotten enough nerve to glance up around the crowd and for the first time tonight she actually took a hard look at everyone there. It looked like there were a couple of college students with their textbooks spread out on the table before them, there was a couple in the back holding hands and quietly talking to one another-Rachel quickly let her gaze move on, not lingering over them-there was a small group along the side wall silently watching the performances, and about three tables to her right she saw Jason sitting with some people she didn't recognize. Jason was part of the group that would stay after the music writing group to just jam, and from what Rachel knew of him, he seemed good enough.

_I want you to know that it doesn't matter_

_Where we take this road_

_Someone's gotta go_

_And I want you to know_

_You couldn't have loved me better_

_But I wanted you to move on_

_So I'm already gone_

Rachel moved her gaze to a spot on the wall in the back. She was emotional drained and couldn't take performing to a crowd anymore, no matter how small the crowd was. It may have only been 2 months since she performed, but never in her life had she given a performance that was this raw, this much of a window to her soul.

_I'm already gone, already gone_

_You can't make it feel right_

_When you know that it's wrong_

_I'm already gone, already gone_

_There's no moving on_

_So I'm already gone_

She stood up and walked back to the table in the corner where she had stashed her guitar case. As she was shutting the latches she felt a small hand on her shoulder. She turned around to find Ms. Puckerman standing there with the coffeehouse apron on-an unfortunate event she did not see coming (last she knew Puck's mom was working closer to home).

"Don't tell Noah." She blurted out before she could get her mind going. "I'm sorry Ms. Puckerman- that was rude. I was just hoping that tonight would have a sense of anonymity to it and you surprised me. How are you?"

"I'm fine Rachel, thank you. I just wanted to tell you how lovely you sang tonight, and for that matter how well you did at Sectionals. You have an amazing gift. And don't worry, I won't tell him anything."

During lunch the next day she made her way out to the bleachers and pulled out her iPod and her book for English. Just as she opened the book to the page she had left off on a shadow fell across. She let out a sigh, why couldn't people stay away from her-you think they'd get the message with the vicious stay-away-vibes that she had been sending out for the past week. When the shadow never moved she looked up the find Puck standing there with an envelope in his hand.

"Yeah?"

"Here my mom wanted me to give this to you." He extended out his hand holding the envelope towards her.

"Why?" She lifted an eyebrow but didn't make a move for the envelope.

"I don't know. Look my mom just asked me to give this to you-it's not like I was just going to tell her no. No one lays guilt trips like Jewish mothers."

"Nothing I would know about."

"Would you just take the envelope Berry?" She cautiously reached out and grabbed the envelope. She opened it and read the note that explained that the owner of the coffeehouse really enjoyed her performance and would like Rachel to come back for the next open mic.

Puck couldn't hold back his curiosity any longer. What could possibly be in the letter-after all Berry had never even met his mom when they were dating, what could she possibly need to write to her about. "So what is it?"

Rachel let out a small breath-if Puck didn't know what it was about than his mother didn't tell him anything about last night. "Nothing to do with anything here. Would you tell her thanks?"

"Whatever Berry." Rachel watched him walk away and couldn't help but think about their last little meeting on the bleachers. He was right, they never where friends. Rachel has been afforded many luxuries-all those dance classes and voice lessons she could ever want, but she was never afforded the luxury of true friends, not until very recently. She lost one because life sucked, and the other she pushed away. She wasn't sure if it was possible to hate herself anymore than she did right now.

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Like it, love it, hate it…please let me know. Pretty please review!!!

There's was a bit of Puck in here-much more in the next chapter as well as some more Nathan-he's not out of here yet.


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